It's been six years that you've been gone. And I miss you.
Is it pathetic that it's been six years and I'm still not over it? Or that I still cry every single time I hear "I Can Only Imagine"?
Am I a horrible person because I can't remember the sound of your voice as clearly as I once could?
I can't describe the ache in my heart every year when March rolls around. Or the burn behind my eyes when I spend 8 hour days trying to hold back tears thinking of you.
I know you would kick me for blaming myself. I know you would hate for me to think that. And you would probably feel bad. Because you never wanted me to hurt. You wanted me happy. But I can't help it. I can't help thinking that if only I had been there. If only I had been in your life, if only I had not let you push me away that last year.
I have so many wishes. I wish I could have the chance to tell you goodbye. To tell you that your love and friendship meant the world to me, and helped me get through some of my darkest hours. I wish I could have one last of your gigantic bear hugs. I wish i could tell you again that you were the best friend I've ever had and make you believe it.
Because maybe if I had had that chance, you would still be here. You would still be in my life. You would have been at my wedding. You would have been there when I started dating Steven, the first good boyfriend I ever had. "Finally!" I can hear you saying. But not really. Because you aren't really here.
I know this is so selfish of me. You are in a better place where you aren't hurting, where you aren't in pain, and you don't have to battle any demons like you did here. And I'm so happy for you, that you have that relief.
But I miss you.
I love you,