Monday, May 9, 2011

Seriously, If I Could Just Make Up My Mind...

When I left high school, I had no idea what I wanted to do as a career. I changed my major three times in two years after I started college. Finally I found a major that I thought would lead to a great career field, speech communications, or public speaking. So I went on and got my B.S. in Communications, and when I was in my senior year, I told my mentor, I don’t want to be at a 9-5 desk job. That is just not for me. Well, here I sit, doing the one thing I knew from the beginning I did not want to do. The problem seems to be that I just don’t know where to go from here. What has happened to all that ambition? All the hopes and dreams that I had for what I was going to do. I was going to make a difference, and I was going to be important. Not necessarily CEO type of important, but definitely a decision maker, and influential. I’ve never gotten to do that, have that type of status in my job. I’ve never even gotten to pretend to do what I love! I know this happens all the time, rarely these days to people actually find a career in the field they majored in.

That isn’t my problem though. My problem is that I’m frustrated. I can do this job, and I’m happy with it. I have a great boss and the co-workers aren’t terrible. I don’t hate what I do all day, I’m not on the phone. It is a pretty laid back casual atmosphere. But there is just something missing.
I know I could go volunteer and be active in the community, and that would help me feel like I have a purpose in this life beyond what I’m doing. But that isn’t going to do it either.

But then another part of me is frustrated at the fact that here I am, and I want to be a stay at home mom, and I want to start trying to have a baby next year. So if I go out and make all these changes and really do find the direction in which I want to work, what am I going to do then? Just give up on it? I don’t want to do that either! I’ve got another year of just sitting still, then Steven gets out of school and I assume I will have to follow him to where ever he can get a job.
Honestly I just want to cry with frustration at my life today. I’m not unhappy with it. I’m just confused. Lost maybe. And definitely emotional. Gotta love this quarter life crisis.

Oh and I cant believe I’m going to be 26 this year. I don’t really know how to feel about it, but it makes me a little sick at my stomach. Mostly because I’ve got all this turmoil of “what to do” but part of me remembers the fact that my mother had me when she was 26.

Holy crap.

Anyway so this brings me to a couple of my favorite songs, which actually go well with this post.
Just Might (Make Me Believe) - Sugarland

Something More - Sugarland

1 comment:

  1. I know how you feel about a lot of these things.
    The job ~ I cannot stand working at a desk job where I just sit here and do computer work all day. My eyesight has gotten worse thanks to it. Let's not go there with my back issues.

    Turning 26/SAHM ~ I remember when I was turning 26 and I hated it too. It's when I started realizing OMG I am getting old. Now I am 33 and newly married as you know and I am wanting to have a baby ASAP. I hope it happens. My mom had all three of us by the time she was 30. When I think of it, I wonder what some women who choose to have a baby when they are older are thinking. I think it's going to be harder, there are more health issues you need to worry about and all. I really hope this happens for me very soon.